The Career Encouragement Blog

Giving and Receiving Feedback - Part II

Part I of this posting discussed 3 ways to receive feedback.  As you grow in your career due to all that great feedback that you are able to receive so gracefully, you'll likely have the opportunity to give feedback to others as well.  Here are some ideas to consider:

Here's how to give feedback as a gift and profit from it:

1 - Always start with what's working. Your main job, whether you're giving feedback to your kids, the guy who's painting your living room or somebody who works for you, is to motivate them. People can't hear your suggestion for how to improve if they don't think you already appreciate the good stuff they're doing.

2 - State clearly what's not working. Once you've positively reinforced the person, explain in detail the area you'd like to see improved. Be sure to give them the impression that you're confident that they can make the changes you're recommending.

3 - Determine what's missing that can be supplied. If a different approach to the project, the client or even the homework is needed, brainstorm how you can put your heads together to make that happen. Come up with a solution you can be enthusiastic about. Commit to providing all the support you can.

Here's the bottom line: Feedback is a gift. Treat it that way. When you're getting it, remember that you don't have to be perfect. You do have to be willing to change. When you're giving it, remember to be a motivator and a coach, not a disciplinarian or a critic. You'll be amazed at the results you produce.

 

Giving and Receiving Feedback - Part I

A trusted mentor recently forwarded to me a terrific e-mail about how to receive and give feedback. It was a timely and positive message for me.  Today I'll post the part about receiving feedback.  Look for Part II about giving feedback in a day or so! 

So here's how to take feedback as a gift and profit from it:

1 - Listen! Don't argue, don't say, "Yes, but..." and don't explain why you acted the way you did.  Instead, say, "I had no idea that I created that impression, it's not what I intended. I'm so glad you're telling me." Of course, you're not always going to agree with the criticism or feel it's fair, but listen anyway. Take what's useful and leave the rest behind.

2 - Don't make the person giving the feedback wrong!  Don't run out and find a bunch of people who will agree that you're perfect the way you are and don't need to make any changes whatsoever! And you'll definitely be able to find those people. Don't look for them. Keep your own counsel and decide what makes sense to you.

3 - Be open to making significant changes. Hey, you're always going to be a work in progress. Imagine that you're marketing a product - and the product is you. Naturally, there will be times when you want to change the "label" or the "copy" or even the "ingredients" to serve your targeted customers better. Don't take it personally, just make the changes and move on.

[Note - I did a search to see if I could find a source for the information and had no luck - so my apologies in advance to the original writer.  If you know who the author is, please let me know!]

Body Odor at Work

Ask a Manager has a thought-provoking post on how to tell an employee she has body odor.  There is no way out of this being an awkward situation to deal with, and an important piece of advice is to make sure to have the conversation at the end of the day so the employee doesn't have to sit there feeling self-conscious for the next several hours. 

I have a follow-up question:  what if the offensive odor is something that the person intends to be a pleasant smell such as scented soap or perfume?  How would you handle it then?  I'm extremely fragrance sensitive.  If I am in a closed-door meeting and another individual has a lot of perfume or aftershave on, I have a variety of physical symptoms that make me uncomfortable.  If I shake hands with someone that has a scented lotion or aftershave on, and get residue on my hands they begin to itch until I can find somewhere to wash my hands. 

I have had a couple of occasions where I know I am going to be in repeated contact with someone who regularly wears body scents and have been forced to confront the situation.  I vary my approach depending on the person, but typically it goes like this:

• I feel kind of embarrassed bringing this up, because it seems like such a minor issue.
• I have a condition that I have had since childhood - I am highly-fragrance sensitive.
• This means that I have a freakishly sensitive sense of smell, and things that don't bother normal people create discomfort for me.  It starts with a really bad headache and eventually I start to have problems breathing.
• It seems that there is something in the perfume that you have been wearing that triggers this reaction. 
• I hate to be a problem to you, but since we are going to be working on the XYZ project over the next couple of weeks I was wondering if we could switch out weekly update meetings to in the large conference room instead of your office.  There's more air circulation in there, and it should be less of a problem. 

My goal with this approach is not to equivocate, but to reduce any sense of judgment or pressure on the other person.  I let them know that my condition pre-dates them because I don't want them to take my comments as a personal judgment.  I also try whenever possible to offer a solution that doesn't require them to change their personal grooming habits - such as switching offices, using fans, etc.  I find that most people reduce their perfume use voluntarily when I do this.

Have you dealt with a similar situation?  How did you handle it?

What would you do with Queen Frostine?

When my daughter Joy was 5 she had her best friend Sarah over to play.  They always got along famously together and could play for hours with no adult intervention.  On this particular occasion they were in the family room playing Candyland and I was in my office working.  Suddenly my ears perked up when I realized there had been a tangible shift in the atmosphere.  I overheard the following:

Sarah:  I don't think it's fair if someone gets Queen Frostine right away.  (For those of you who recall the game Candyland, Queen Frostine is not only beautiful, she is also nearly 2/3 of the way to the Candy Castle.  If you draw her early in the game, you have a very reasonable chance of winning). 

Joy:  Well I didn't know she was on the top of the deck.

SILENCE

Sarah:  I think if you draw the Queen first you should put it back.

Joy:  But I didn't TRY to draw her first.

MORE SILENCE.

At this point, I stood up and got ready to go mediate before the situation spiraled downwards.  My plan was to suggest that they remove Queen Frostine from the deck and play the game without the prized card.  But something inside me told me to pause.  Neither of the girls was speaking in a disrespectful tone and neither seemed close to crying.  True, the atmosphere was uncomfortable compared to their typical happy chatter, but did it really warrant adult intervention? 

Through sheer willpower, I forced myself to stay quietly in the next room while they continued to talk about their concerns in the game. I cannot recall the details of their negotiations, but I will never forget the outcome. Together they agreed to remove Queen Frostine from the deck, shuffle it, and then put her in towards the bottom.  This way, whoever got Queen Frostine would have the excitement of drawing the beautiful princess, but would probably already be past Frosting Palace and would have to go backwards.  Both girls were delighted with the solution, and they continued their afternoon of fun with no adult intervention needed.

The solution concocted by a couple of 5 year olds was far superior to the one my adult mind had come up with.  They found a way to keep the prize in play, and increase the fun for everyone.  My idea had simply been to remove the prize all together to "keep the peace."  I learned a big lesson that day about pausing and listening before jumping into the fray to "fix it" when I see what I perceive to be a problem.

If you are a manager or just a professionally minded go-getter, it can be tempting to jump in when you see problems between co-workers and get involved with monkeys that don't belong in your tree.  But think twice!  The older I get, the more I realize how often we get caught up in situations that don't require our involvement, and how our solutions as "disinterested parties" are usually far less useful than the ones that the "interested parties" come up with. 

So next time you see a minor skirmish occurring between colleagues, try to pause and listen to see if they really need your help before getting involved.  You may be surprised at what you learn!

Blessed to be a Blessing

In a recent post I talked about being grateful for our work.  In addition to the reasons we can be grateful for our work that I already mentioned, there is another important reason to be grateful - the blessing of having our own work allows us to be a blessing to others.  Were you able to donate to a charity that is important to you this year?  Without your job that might be difficult to do. If your company offers a gift matching benefit, you have an even greater reason to be grateful!  My husband's company matches employee charitable donations up to $5,000 per year - a remarkable benefit by any standard! 

But it's not just the money that allows you to bless others - it's the position you hold and the people that it causes you to interact with that gives you the chance to be a blessing to others.  Recently I experienced receiving  blessing from an employee of a grocery store in a rather amusing manner...

The Wednesday before Christmas I took the kids to Church for the final rehearsal before the Christmas play performance.  After the rehearsal we had to go to tae kwon do class so I wore some baggy sweats over my uniform and threw on an old jacket.  We were running late and raced out without dinner.  "No problem," I thought, "We'll just get pizza at church." (Our church serves a pizza dinner for $2/each every Wednesday night to help busy families keep up with activities and still get dinner).  After got in the car I noticed that my son had worn a sweatshirt instead of a coat and my daughter had worn slip-on shoes instead of boots.  It was too late to turn back, and I figured that since we were just going to be running in and out of church, and then in and out of the gym, we would keep going despite the wet, sticky snow that was falling.

We got to church and the kids had their practice.  The church was unusually busy for Wednesday night and by the time the kids finished practice the pizza was gone.  What to do now?  The kids had tae kwon do in 30 minutes and there was no way to keep going without food.  Not a problem - Byerly's is just up the road and they have a great hot deli.  On the way in the parking lot I told the kids, "We're in a hurry so we can't have a full meal - just enough to hold us over until after TKD."  We raced into the store through the blowing snow.  The temperature was dropping fast!  By the time we got to the deli section, my son had his arms crossed over his chest and was shivering.  My daughter stamped her feet and said, "I wish I had boots on!" 

The kids mulled over their choices.  My daughter wanted macaroni & cheese and my son wanted chicken.  The nice lady behind the counter got out two dinner trays and started dishing up the macaroni.  "Oh no," I said, "We're going to split one dinner with two sides."  She looked at me curiously.  "We're kind of in a hurry," I explained.  "We were going to eat at church tonight but they ran out of food."

"Oh," she said slowly.  "That's too bad."  Then she dished up the macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes and 1 piece of chicken into a dinner tray.  Then she took out the piece of chicken and rummaged around the bin and selected a different one.  Then she added another scoop of mashed potatoes and macaroni.  By the time she handed me the tray the plastic lid wouldn't snap down and mashed potatoes were oozing out the side.  "Merry Christmas!" she said warmly with a big beaming smile. 

We continued our frantic pace through the check-out line and then grabbed a small table to eat quickly so we wouldn't make a mess in the car.  As he started in on the chicken my son nonchalantly commented, "Did you see how that Deli Lady picked through the chicken to give us the biggest one?  She must know I like chicken!"  I was mulling over the fact that the Deli Lady had carefully picked through the roasting pan for the largest piece of chicken when it slowly began to dawn on me....our missing outerwear during a snowstorm...my insistence that we split a meal...we looked and sounded as if we were a family in financial peril!

Now I understood the deli lady's extra effort to find the largest piece of chicken and the heaping helpings of mashed potatoes and macaroni.  I started to laugh and I couldn't stop.  I finally gasped, "She thinks we're homeless."  My  kids stared at me blankly at first, and then my daughter caught on.  "I was saying I wanted some boots to wear!" she howled.  "And I was shivering without a coat on," my son said.  I added, "And I told her the church was out of food tonight!!"   After that we couldn't stop.  We laughed and laughed, and every time we thought of those mashed potatoes oozing out of the side of the takeout tray we started up giggling again.

The Deli Lady at Byerly's had no way of knowing that we are a typical suburban family with a full refrigerator, nice cars and warm beds.  That night, to her, we looked - and sounded - like a homeless single mom with two kids stressed about finding our next meal.  Through my laughter about the mix-up, I was also quite moved and touched by her generosity, the warmth of her "Merry Christmas" and especially by the way she treated me with dignity and respect despite my appearances.

The Deli Lady used her position to make sure that under the circumstances we got the best meal possible.  She used the blessing of her particular job to be a blessing to others.  I truly hope that she had a very Merry Christmas this year and that she is richly rewarded for her generosity and kindness.   

When you stop to think about it - really think about it - it is an inspiring idea to think that we can take what we do to earn a living and turn it into a blessing for the others that we come into contact with as a result of our work. Not all of us are in jobs where we can use our position to give food to others who need it.  But I am convinced that we all have something unique to our work that will allow us to be a blessing to others if we think about it long enough. 

What are some ways that you have seen people use their role to bless others?  What are ways in which you have been able to use your particular job to bless others?  Please leave a comment and share your story! 

 

Why don't they fire her?

Ever work with an employee that you thought should be fired but seemed "untouchable"?  This article outlines at least 10 Reasons Bad Employees Don't Get Fired.  I've personally seen most of these reasons in action over the course of my career. 

So what is the lesson?

Managers cannot address every single problem at once.  Their primary focus is always to grow the business in order to project the jobs of the majority.  They will deal with problem employees as they have the impetus and time.  Therefore there have ALWAYS been problem employees in every workplace, and there always will be in the future.  If you can understand this, then it is easier to not let it get to you when someone else doesn't receive their "just desserts" for underperforming and creating chaos for others.

Remember that you never know the entire story.  The key is to focus on your own work.  What are the goals of your Manager/Department?  If you can work to advance the business, and put in place the building blocks of your own great career, you will see great things happen!

Can't do" or "Won't do"?

It is frustrating and de-motivating to work with employees who aren't doing their job.  Believe it or not, most under-performing employees are also frustrated and de-motivated.  Management thinking in the 90's was that job satisfaction would lead to high performance so the management emphasis was on perks and rewards that would help employees be happy and engaged. More recently, there is a growing body of research to show that job satisfaction follows high performance.  Therefore managers who want to have satisfied employees need to focus on helping employees perform well. 

There are generally two reasons why employees do not perform well at work:

1. Can't do.  This occurs when the objectives are not clear to the employee and/or she does not have the requisite skills or resources to do the assigned tasks.  It could also be because she doesn't have the necessary support or sponsorship from key leaders to accomplish the task.
2. Won't do.  This occurs when an employee lacks motivation and fails to take personal accountability for accomplishing her work. 

The first order of business for a Manager who is dealing with an underperforming employee is to sort out whether it is a "can't do" or a "won't do" situation.  "Can't do's" are addressed through clarification of objectives, skills training, and/or adding resources. If the employee is working hard but none of these approaches work and she still cannot do the job, reassignment may be necessary. 

"Won't do's" are addressed through performance management - clarifying goals, monitoring activities weekly or even daily, tracking progress, and managing "up or out."  This is the scenario every manager hates.  Not surprisingly, employees hate it too.

In my experience, most situations of low performance are of the "can't do" variety.  These situations are time consuming, but they are the stuff that real management is made of.  Helping a "can't do" employee move to a "can do" is an incredibly satisfying management experience, it's good for the company, and it lifts morale all around.

I need your advice!

I need some advice.  I got a phone call from a colleague  - Barb - who is an HR Manager at a 200 person consulting firm.  She wanted some advice.  It seems one of the Administrative Assistants at the firm had come into her office with a complaint -we'll call her Leah.  Leah was upset because one of the Directors she reported to apparently had a habit of "scratching himself" whenever he was standing by her desk talking to her.  Leah wanted to know if she could report him for sexual harassment.

Barb wanted to know two things:

1. First, is this really an HR issue?
2. Second, if it is, what should she do?

Folks, I must admit, I am a bit stumped by this one.  Is this an HR issue, or is it a communication issue between two co-workers?  Because there is a power differential involved (he is the boss) I believe Leah does need to be guaranteed that there is a confidential and safe place she can raise the issue.  HR tends to be that place.  So if HR takes it on, how do we go about it?  Is this sexual harassment?  Does the Director simply have a mindless habit that he does regardless of who he is with?  Or is his scratching targeted towards Leah?  How would I find that out? 

What do you think?

Why You Shouldn't Be Colorblind

Carmen van Kerckhove has a great post on Why You Shouldn't Be Colorblind.  She takes on the prevalent middle management myth that to say "Oh I don't even notice people's race" demonstrates that you have great respect for diversity.

Why is this a myth?  First, because it's a lie.  We all notice the physical characteristics of the people we work with.  Second, to say we don't notice physical characteristics in some way renders these people invisible to us.  How respectful is that?

So how should we view racial differences?  Carmen says:

"Here’s the thing. Noticing a person’s race doesn’t make you racist. What does make you racist is if you make assumptions about that person’s intellectual, physical, or emotional characteristics based on the race you think the person is."

  Read the rest of the post here. 

What kind of co-worker and colleague are you?

A friend sent this to me - it's the life philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip.  I thought it was relevant to our workplace relationships:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
                            
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
      
Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.  They are the ones that care.