Working Moms: Whose map are you reading?

I like Kathleen Deveny's pragmatic view on the media-created "mommy wars" that add peripheral stress to the already full lives of moms with careers.  In Yummy vs. Slummy (Newsweek, August 13, 2007), the single working mother writes:

"I am bored to death with talking, hearing and reading about motherhood. I know all about the war between working mothers and women who stay at home with their children (though I see little real evidence of it). I'm fed up with snotty message-board posts... We have become Narcissist Mommies, obsessed with defending our parenting choices. Yes, motherhood is exhausting. Sure, husbands could be more helpful and bosses are always demanding something on the day your kid comes home with lice. The challenge of finding good, affordable child care is no joke. But we didn't exactly invent kids. "No one can ever understand how difficult it is," ... "But once you are a mother, you need to get over it. There's no need to whine about it."" (emphasis added)

Well said.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and everyone around us is to realize that our life is what it is and to set about making the best of it and enjoying it.  Many of the popular books on motherhood/working moms acknowledge that there is no universal best way to be a mother - but they also subtly imply that somehow we should be able to define and create a "right" situation for ourselves at the individual level. In reality, our needs, decisions, and daily actions are complex and intertwined.  There will never be one right thing to do - not even on the individual level. 

Instead of treating our lives as a battleground between good and evil, we need to see ourselves as explorers on a journey .  We can scan another mom's map to get an idea of the terrain we might encounter ahead, but ultimately - as explorers - we need to create our own path.  The inevitable twists, turns, and occasional backtracking are what makes the journey uniquely ours.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Comments

[Lisa]

I really like the "explorers on a journey" perspective. I have deliberately stayed away from the debate; each situation is different and we should respect each other for doing the best we can in our own unique set of circumstances and honor that.

[TGReid]

It's funny... I remember being pregnant with several women who I knew in person as well as some on online forums, and the joys and pains of pregnancy were so universal but once the children were here and decisions began on diapering, feeding, safe toys, etc., it was clear that once we became mommies, we re-inherited all of the preconceived notions and hangups that exist as a culmination of our lives or our own childhoods. Sadly enough, some of those "friendships" either had to end there, or we made a conscious effort to avoid any future conversations that could possibly end in judgment.

The other point I wanted to comment on is how many of us learn the hard way that being a good wife/mom or a good anything doesn't have to mean "sacrificing" who we are as people/women/individuals. Somewhere someone told us that we had to sacrifice everything we ever wanted and never accomplished once we were responsible for other lives and it's simply not true. A happy mom is a happy family. And 15 minutes of ME time never hurt anyone.

Great topic!
TGReid
Author of "The Get A Life Campaign"
www.getalifecampaign.com

[michelle]

I am so thankful for the real life advice. It seems all my friends who have young kids are stay at home moms or work part-time. I have had such a hard time dealing with guilt over having to work outside the home full time. That on top of an already stressful job has been almost unbearable. The truth is that my daughter (2 yrs.) is just fine. She loves her daycare class and is ahead of her age in most developmental areas. I have to believe that my husband and I are good parents to her and that is what is important.

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